1. |
Smell Our Dairy Air
02:50
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DR. CHAPMAN:
We all have a place in Middleton.
We all love it here in Wisconsin.
JULIA:
Where the coffee just smells better.
ROD:
And the chairs are made with synthetic leather.
JULIA:
We all have a place in Middleton.
We all love it here in Wisconsin.
DR. CHAPMAN:
Where the women look like this!
JEFF:
And the women look like this.
DR. CHAPMAN:
So smell our diary air.
So smell our dairy air.
ELLIE:
You'd never know that you could smell
a dairy air like this until
you smell our dairy air.
RICHARD THE BRO:
I didn't think that I belonged
inside this town but I was wrong.
I love it here but I must say
something that bothers me today,
I'm not back 'til Act Two.
I'm not back 'til Act Two.
Man what's effing wrong with you?
STEPHEN:
It's not easy being new in this town,
some things are easy as they-
*Dialogue
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2. |
||||
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*Dialogue
STEPHEN:
Someday your prints will come
and then you'll feel better.
ELLIE:
Someday my prints will come
and you'll be glad you met her.
STEPHEN:
I don't mind waiting for you
if that be your will.
ELLIE:
And I don't mind showing you around
if you'd just stand still.
STEPHEN & ELLIE:
But I can't stand still.
*Dialogue
ELLIE:
Someday the artist formerly know as Prince will come.
*Dialogue
STEPHEN & ELLIE:
If there's nothing that gives you a thrill
I am certain that falling, falling will.
STEPHEN:
Won't you just stand still?
STEPHEN & ELLIE:
But I can't stand still.
No I can't stand still.
And it's not due to caffeine.
STEPHEN:
I had
STEPHEN & ELLIE:
tea.
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3. |
Senile For You
06:16
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|
*Dialogue
MRS. CHAPMAN:
Oh Ernie, I don't care what anybody thinks
about the things I do.
I'm not crazy, you know me.
I'm just senile for you.
Why's everybody always starin' at me?
Glarin' at me? Preparin' tah be offended?
Would sorry make you mended?
'Cuz I care, I swear, I pretended.
They say,"Ira where is your filter?"
Just because I'm old I'm supposed to be a quilter?
I'd rather speak my mind than make blankets and snack treats.
Hit 'em with the truth while you hit 'em with the back beat.
That's sweet, DJ, that sure helps.
And I freestyle better than Michael Phelps.
My name is Ira. I'm the I.R.A.
Savin' up your money honey, keep it that way.
Can't buy me love, but you can buy me that,
and that, and that, and how much for your hat?
*Dialogue
People say I'm crazy,
I'm just crazy, for you baby.
Maybe I'm the other kind of crazy too.
No denial boo, I'm senile for you
Kyle it's true.
DR. CHAPMAN:
I love you, and you just forgot my name.
You had an accident inside your brain.
To be with you gives me a certain thrill.
I will love you all night baby once I find my special pills.
Yeah.
MRS. CHAPMAN:
I am not a material girl.
Unless diamonds are material or silk is material.
I don't like cereal, except for the fiber.
Antibacterial soap, that's how you bribe her.
'Cuz women love to be clean, and pampered.
Can't live our lives inside a laundry hamper.
I also need lovin' and groovin',
prune juice on ice would get me movin'.
DR. CHAPMAN:
Why did you have to say that out loud?
Did you think it would make me proud?
You embarrass me, but I love you so I have no choice.
MRS. CHAPMAN:
You suck at rapping honey, stick to your voice.
DR. CHAPMAN:
People say I'm crazy, I'm just crazy, for my baby.
Maybe I'm the other kind of crazy too.
I'm a doctor who loves to shock and woo, only you.
ROD:
I don't know what the hell is going on.
Where I'm from this is highly frowned upon.
I just smile and do whatever they say.
MRS. CHAPMAN:
I think you should dance right now.
ROD:
(Okay.)
The customer is always right.
No need to put up any fight. (X4)
MRS. CHAPMAN:
I wish everyone would dance. (X4)
DR. CHAPMAN:
I still love you (X2)
DR. CHAPMAN & MRS. CHAPMAN & ROD:
People say we're crazy, we're just crazy for our baby.
Maybe you should just go and get rid of this
judgement you have cast, and consider this.
ROD:
Consider this.
DR. CHAPMAN & MRS. CHAPMAN:
We all want to love somebody.
ROD:
And make some money.
DR. CHAPMAN & MRS. CHAPMAN:
All want to heal somebody.
ROD:
And make some money.
All want to love some money.
DR. CHAPMAN & MRS. CHAPMAN:
And make somebody.
ROD:
All want to love some money.
DR. CHAPMAN & MRS. CHAPMAN:
And make somebody.
DR. CHAPMAN & MRS. CHAPMAN & ROD:
People say we're crazy, but they're crazy.
ELLIE:
I can hardly believe it
I found someone new to think of.
Been so long for my love life,
now I have a life with love.
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4. |
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*Dialogue
ROD:
Oh she would want me to be an A-Hole,
that's what first attracted her to me.
Oh she would want me to be an A-Hole,
Dee de dee de dee de dee de dee.
And I would rather be an A-Hole than a D-Bag.
I'm really good at boasting, but I don't mean to brag.
Oh for some reason ladies like A-Holes,
that's me.
Stole a T-Shirt from a U-Haul today.
Sold some chairs online, on e-Bay.
I like "S" and "M" when it spells Ms.
I really really really like to rock the K-Swiss.
But not today, todays and exceptions.
Don't call me a prick, I'm an erection.
Some say I have lost control,
but they're a bunch of A-Holes.
*Dialogue
And I would rather be an A-Hole-
*Dialogue
Oh she would want me to be an A-Hole-
*Dialogue
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5. |
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*Dialogue
JULIA:
You have got to tell him, you could never sell him short.
Tell him the truth right now.
If you are facetious then you will stay speechless.
If you're strong you'll tell him now.
If you want to stay in this town
go ahead and stay.
If you want to follow your dreams
you have got to say
everything that's on your mind
and that he's in the way.
Leave him today.
You have got to tell him, you could never sell him short.
Tell him the truth right now.
I can see clearly now that clearly he is not that great.
Lanky hanky panky it looks like he wouldn't clean his plate
and on a date, he hardly has a thing to say.
An insatiable place to pull a fast one on me, hey!
And it just dawned on me that honestly I haven't got a clue,
I know nothing of your past, at last I'm on to you.
I see lies in your eyes a burger without fries can't you see.
This was taken absurd now he's shaken I'm stirred so for me.
I'm sorry that it had to end this way
But I can't walk with you, I'm going my own way.
Tell him what is on your mind
and that he's in the way
Leave him, today.
You have got to tell him, you could never sell him short,
tell him the truth right now.
*Dialogue
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6. |
Hey
03:47
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*Dialogue
STEPHEN:
It's not easy being new in this town.
Some things are not easy as they sound.
It's not easy hiding a frown.
The things I'd give to crack the back of anyone around.
All my life the things I've missed.
Busy I chiropracticed. For what?
I can help you please!
Does everyone lift with their knees?
If there is just one crooked spine,
please god, give me a sign.
*Dialogue
DR. CHAPMAN:
It's not easy, I'm the old rich guy.
People sell me things that I don't even want to buy.
I am polite, but sometimes I scoff.
People like this make me so philanthropissed off.
No one understands my state.
I'm not gay, my back's not straight.
No one understands my pain,
my wife listens as I complain.
She says that I'm a baby.
But baby got back problems.
STEPHEN:
I know you're out there, and that you're in pain.
Oh I wish I could hear you complain.
DR. CHAPMAN:
I'm sending my mending message to the sky.
A massage in your garage, I'd buy.
STEPHEN & DR. CHAPMAN:
I need you, I need you, I mean for always.
I need you, I need you, how are your Tuesdays?
DR. CHAPMAN:
A stranger's just a friend you have not met.
STEPHEN:
Would it be much stranger if I said
STEPHEN & DR. CHAPMAN:
Hey.
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7. |
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DR. CHAPMAN:
Have you a roof above your head?
Is there someplace you'd rather be, with someone else instead.
Have you a hunger in your gut?
Next time you complain, just keep our mouth shut.
Friends by your side, we'll reminisce,
things couldn't get much better than this.
*Dialogue
STEPHEN:
Have you a love your own?
Sending all your love from your cell phone.
Are there health problems that you have?
It goes to show...
Twenty years from now we'll reminisce
Things couldn't get much better than this.
*Dialogue
Friends by my side, we'll reminisce,
things couldn't get much better than this.
*Dialogue
Friend by my side, we'll reminisce,
things couldn't get much better
I knew you weren't a fretter.
Things couldn't get much better than this.
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8. |
||||
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*Dialogue
ELLIE:
I don't need someone to make me flattered, but I don't mind
BRO:
I am glad that she is not much fatter, pretty decent sized.
ELLIE:
My situation couldn't be much dumber, I'll think of you instead.
BRO:
I flirt by stealing belongings from her, my hat fell off my head.
ELLIE:
Something here doesn't feel right, but I will give him a chance.
BRO:
For the first time I'm seeing a whole world of love inside her pants.
ELLIE:
I don't mind getting to know this new boy, it beats feeling alone.
BRO:
I played sports when I was in high school, I have more hats at home.
ELLIE:
I can't help but think of my poor Stephen, what is not to miss?
BRO:
I told her that I was a palm reader.
STEPHEN:
Things couldn't get much better than this?
ELLIE & BRO:
I can hardly believe it, I found someone new to think of.
Been so long for my love life, now I feel a life with love.
STEPHEN:
I'm never up to see the other side of twelve.
Before the clock chimes I'm safe asleep.
And in my dreams i'm with you, and then I wake
and it's just me.
Don't be my lesson learned,
I'll change this time for love returned.
I swear this time, I'll live in my new home.
Dressed in scarlet, oh how beautiful you are.
I'm ready to bet it all on red.
Just as my whisper reaches your ear,
you turn instead.
Do you want to dance with me
or watch the stars not on TV.
Skinny dip, take any trip away.
Take my hand far from the norm.
We'll feel chills and steal the warmth
we've never had at all.
I won't have you
I thought I would.
I guess I wanted you more
because I never have before.
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9. |
Harpoon-Tang
03:37
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*Dialogue
DR. CHAPMAN:
Out at sea for seven fortnights,
no TV, no baseball sport nights, no
Yo Ho.
Nothing but men, a man's not Mandy.
Found my hand got pretty handy. Oh.
Yo Ho.
Oh, so lonely out on the sea.
I met a girl dressed like a man,
on the poop deck mop in hand.
She was disguised to be in the Navy.
Her name was Ira and we called her Davy.
She sank me just like an Anchor,
And my Harpoon really sank her.
I fell in love and my heart sang.
My Harpoon found Harpoon-Tang.
Pretty soon the men got wise
and they began to realize the sitch.
Hey Mitch.
Davy became a wanted man
but no one seemed to understand at all.
Hey Paul.
Oh, that I need my baby, oh my lady.
I grabbed Ira and we ran away
to a lifeboat, and on that day
I was so thrilled that I proposed.
She blushed and took off her clothes.
Not a good idea for the chilly season,
but a great idea for other reasons.
I fought for her for the rest of my life.
I'll always fight for Ira, my wife.
My wife.
MITCH & PAUL:
Harpoon-Tang
DR. CHAPMAN:
She was beautiful on that day,
and her beauty always remains the same.
A dame.
Except that she is old and wrinkley now.
*Dialogue
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10. |
Happiness
04:39
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*Dialogue
JEFF:
What have I become, a pervert man?
Nothing but a nudey motorcycle fan.
This is not the Jeff, that Jeff knows he can be.
I wish I had the friends around who know the real me.
*Dialogue
ELVIRA:
Your hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
is what you must find.
Your hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
Is with you all the time.
*Dialogue
JEFF:
My hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
will be satisfied.
My hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
comes from the inside.
*Dialogue
CONRAD:
When you're feeling blue
ELVIRA:
balls will cheer you up.
CONRAD:
It's up to you Jeff.
ELVIRA:
To fill your cup.
CONRAD:
Your hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
will never go dry.
Your hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
only has one eye.
*Dialogue
CONRAD & ELVIRA:
There's a difference between love and sex.
JEFF:
There's a difference between love and sex.
CONRAD & ELVIRA:
Smash your cup, your dixie wrecked.
JEFF:
Smash your cup, your dixie wrecked.
CONRAD & ELVIRA:
There's a difference between love and sex.
JEFF:
There's a difference between love and sex.
CONRAD & ELVIRA:
Smash your cup, your dick's erect.
CONRAD:
Jeff what have you learned from the oath?
JEFF:
There's a difference between love and sex, and I want both.
You guys are my friends, and you have helped me see
I need to find a women that can love the real me
My hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
Will be satisfied.
My hap-hap-hap-hap pinness-pinness-pinness
Comes from the inside.
My hap. My penis cums from the inside.
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11. |
||||
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*Dialogue
ELLIE:
The way you looked me in eyes.
The way you used to wait for me.
We laughed so strong, so why'd I run away?
Why'd I run from my heart and from you?
Why'd I run away? He doesn't know what I am going through.
ROD:
The way you smell just like a bank.
The way that banks sometimes smell like.
You smell like banks, so why'd you run away?
Why'd you run away? I was not done.
Why'd you run away? I haven't seen you since Act One.
ELLIE:
I can't stop thinking about him.
ROD:
I can't stop thinking about him.
ELLIE:
I can't stop thinking about him.
ROD:
I can't stop thinking about him.
ELLIE & ROD:
I wonder if he thinks of me.
ELLIE:
Stephen.
ROD:
Chapman.
ELLIE:
Stephen.
ROD:
Chapman.
ELLIE & ROD:
I can't stop thinking of Stephen/Chapman
STEPHEN:
Now I know you, and I can't throw you
as far as I can trust that your corrupted ways cut like a knife.
A scalpel knife.
You're an MD. And it's so empty. The way you criticize and throw your lies around when it's my life. It's my life.
So why don't you avoid me from now on, I'm self employed.
My homeostasis cracked, so why don't you just-
DR. CHAPMAN:
Get off my back.
Stephen that's it, you found the hatchet
that was buried by a varied bunch of Chiro's and MD's, like you and me.
What an outrage. When I was your age. I'd help a friend in knots, and this is not the way to treat a friend, a former friend.
STEPHEN:
Memories of us I'd never want to ever reminisce.
After what you've done to me
DR. CHAPMAN:
I've done to you?
STEPHEN & CHAPMAN:
Things couldn't get much better than this.
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12. |
||||
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*Dialogue
STEPHEN:
I finally found my place in Middleton.
ELLIE:
Look what you have found in Wisconsin.
JEFF:
Where I can date baristas.
MRS. CHAPMAN:
I naming my pube Lisa.
JULIA:
So smell our dairy air.
STEPHEN:
So smell our dairy air.
*Dialogue
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Chiropractical
Chiropractical is a full length musical comedy by Nick Jester. It happily premiered on August 11th 2011.
Finally, a musical with a backstory!
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